The majority of us don’t relish the prospect of having a difficult conversation at work. It’s awkward, it creates anxiety and for many it is something that they would much rather avoid. An American study showed that 80% of workers have put off having a difficult conversation at work. 25% of respondents to that poll said that they have put such a conversation off for up to 6 months, while 10% admitted to avoiding the difficult conversation for over 2 years!
What makes a conversation difficult?
The fact remains though that difficult conversations need to happen in the workplace on a frequent basis for one reason or other. What makes the conversations difficult is that they are usually about a subject that is sensitive, perhaps emotional or something that could provoke an adverse reaction from the colleague we are having the conversation with and the fear of that reaction and how to control it is overpowering. Examples of difficult conversation can include:
- Challenging a colleague on issues of performance or misconduct
- Discussing sensitive personal matters such as ill health, relationship issues, grief or the classic personal hygiene conversation
- Talking to someone about how their behaviour makes you feel
Having these conversations and many others doesn’t come naturally to the majority of us so what can you do to make them easier?
Top Tips
Knowing that you need to have a difficult conversation and waiting to do so can build up unnecessary anxiety and tension which is more often than not worse than the conversation itself. That’s not to say that you should rush into the conversation but unduly delaying it isn’t going to help. For the conversation to go well you need to give it some thought and preparation, this should help to ease the nerves. Make sure that you have all the information you need, going in blind to a difficult conversation will not end well. You need to consider your approach which will be determined by the situation and possibly the person on the receiving end of the conversation and how well you know them. It might be that you need to adopt a sensitive, supportive and sympathetic approach, it could be though that you need to be pretty direct and tell someone straight so think about your style. Mindset is really important, a difficult conversation is still a conversation and you have hundreds of those every week so don’t build it up to be more than it is, a positive mindset will result in a positive and confident delivery. Practice really does make perfect, so as best as you can practice the conversation, make some notes if that helps of the key points you want to include, what outcomes you want and anything else that you really need to get across.
When the time comes to have the difficult conversation it’s important to do your best to control your own emotions, breathe normally, try to relax and keep in mind the preparation you’ve done when you present what you have to say. It’s time then to listen, which can be equally difficult. Make sure that you’re not judgemental, you deal with reactions carefully even if you find them challenging and you offer appropriate support if required. If you’re able to reach an agreement or solution at the end of the conversation great. If you’re not, then it’s good to discuss next steps and any follow up actions. Either way, a quick summary email after a difficult conversation is always useful. It confirms what has been discussed, any resolution that’s been reached and any actions that are needed after the meeting and then everyone is on the same page.
Not having the difficult conversation
If you don’t have the difficult conversation, there can be many repercussions. It’s highly likely that the problem or issue will persist and won’t improve, it might even get worse. If the problem is related to poor conduct or performance you can’t hope to remedy it and delaying the conversation causes further issues as the employee will say that nobody spoke to them or challenged them so how could they possibly know that what they were doing was wrong. If things snowball then you can very quickly end up with resignations, grievances, disciplinaries and even tribunals which could all have been prevented if the issue had been nipped in the bud.
What next?
Both The Chartered Management Institute and ACAS have produced helpful guides which you can download for more in depth advice. Training related to handling difficult conversations is also an excellent way to dispel some of the fears around the subject, to upskill managers and to give them confidence to tackle these situations.
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Why not also check out our blog on a similar topic What to do if an employee raises a grievance
We also have a YouTube channel with loads of handy videos outlining various HR related scenarios.
