Having a difficult conversation at work is not something that anyone particularly looks forward to but inevitably there will be challenging issues to discuss from time to time. Those issues might be between two peers or between a manager and their direct report. Handling these conversations can fill people with dread though and research shows that 70% of employees avoid having difficult conversations with their manager, colleagues, or direct reports and 95% struggle to speak up about a concern.
What makes a conversation difficult?
What makes this type of conversation difficult or challenging is that they are usually about a subject that is sensitive. It might be that the subject is emotive in some way or that it is something that could provoke an adverse reaction from the colleague we are having the conversation with and the fear of that reaction and how to control it is overpowering. Difficult conversations might include:
- Challenging a colleague on issues of performance or misconduct
- Discussing sensitive personal matters such as ill health, relationship issues, grief or even personal hygiene
- Talking to someone about how their behaviour makes you or colleagues feel
Having conversations of this nature doesn’t come naturally to the majority of us so what strategies can you put in place to improve confidence and effectiveness when it comes to handling difficult conversations?
Preparation
As the saying goes, failing to prepare, is preparing to fail. Preparation is crucial to handling difficult conversations well. Start by considering why the conversation is happening in the first place and what outcome you ideally would like. Make sure you have any notes, documents or evidence to support your points. Without overthinking the conversation try and prepare for any objections or likely responses and how you are going to handle or answer them in advance to prevent yourself from being blindsided.
Environment
The timing and setting can have a real impact on the outcome of a difficult conversation. Make sure to hold the conversation at a time when people aren’t going to be rushing or feeling under time pressure. Holding the conversation in a private room or other suitable space ensures that confidentiality is maintained and prevents distractions. By taking these steps you are showing respect to the person you are speaking to and it should create a safe environment for open, honest dialogue.
Composure
As mentioned earlier difficult conversations can often be emotional for everyone involved and therefore it’s essential to remain calm and composed. It might seem obvious but breathing normally is important, have a positive mindset, try to relax and keep in mind the preparation you’ve done when you present what you have to say. If the conversation becomes heated or emotional, take a moment to pause and gather your thoughts, it might also help to take a short break. Remember to be positive, non-judgemental and keep the conversation constructive.
Listen
Active listening is crucial for understanding the other person’s perspective and building rapport. Give your undivided attention to what the other person is saying, don’t interrupt them, and make sure to acknowledge their feelings. Show the person you are having the conversation with that you have heard what they have said by summarising and asking relevant questions to clarify any points you want to understand more about.
Clarity
Be clear, concise, and direct in your communication. Try to focus on the issue rather than the person themselves as this will most likely help them to open up and be less defensive.
Solutions
The aim of a difficult conversation is to try and resolve the issue and prevent it from happening again rather than apportioning blame or creating scapegoats. If the person you are speaking to understands that the solution is beneficial to them then they are more likely to engage positively with you. Encourage them to come up with ways to address the problem. This way you are working together and this isn’t something that is being done to them or forced on them.
Next Steps
At the end of the conversation don’t just leave things up in the air. Set out clear expectations to move the situation forward and summarise the key points of the conversation and any agreed actions in writing so that there is no room for doubt. It may also be worthwhile holding a follow up meeting to check on if the situation has improved, if the solution has worked or if any further steps are needed.
Avoidance
If you don’t have the difficult conversation, there can be many repercussions. It’s highly likely that the problem or issue will persist and won’t improve, it might even get worse. If the problem is related to poor conduct or performance you can’t hope to remedy it and delaying the conversation causes further issues as the employee will say that nobody spoke to them or challenged them so how could they possibly know that what they were doing was wrong. If things snowball then you can very quickly end up with resignations, grievances, disciplinaries and even tribunals which could all have been prevented if the issue had been nipped in the bud.
Support
Both The Chartered Management Institute and ACAS have produced helpful guides which you can download for more in depth advice and support. Training related to handling difficult conversations is also an excellent way to dispel some of the fears around the subject, to upskill managers and to give them confidence to tackle these situations.
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Why not also check out our blog on a similar topic When is a Grievance Not a Grievance?
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